Midlife Crisis
by Piper Julian
Summary: Voldemort may be an evil dark lord, but even he can appreciate the opposite sex. Too bad they don't appreciate his serpentine body. But hey, that's what Polyjuice is for… right? Features Voldemort in a muggle club and identity theft.


Disclaimer: I don't own the Harry Potter series.

Summary: Voldemort may be an evil, sadistic and brooding dark lord… But even he can appreciate the opposite sex. Too bad they don't appreciate his serpentine body… But hey, that's what Polyjuice is for… right?

Takes place about a month after the Graveyard scene in Book 4. Appearance based off of Voldemort from the movie-verse.

--**Start**--

Voldemort stared at his reflection with a sneer. _'Honestly,'_ he thought to himself, _'What did I expect from that Ritual? I took the Wormtail's hand and Potter's blood… I should be thankful I didn't resurrect with a tail or a bloody mullet…'_

Now don't get the dark lord wrong or anything- he was evil and as an evil person he felt that his appearance of… evilness… should strike fear in the hearts of many… But let's be honest here… he looked like an anorexic pale man and he had a lisp! How was he supposed to scare anyone when it looked like he could barely lift his own wand! He ought to buy one of those muggle workout machines that he most _definitely didn't_ see advertised when the muggle soap opera he most definitely _didn't watch_ was on commercial…

Not to mention the fact that in his younger days, he could seduce a female death eater by just… well… looking at her. Or telling her that he'd rip out the intestines of all her children if she did not sleep with him… but that was besides the point! After thirteen bloody years as a ghost Voldemort felt that he of all people should deserve a little bit of action. Hell! If _Malfoy _could attract the opposite sex when he was often mistook for his wife, he should be able to too… Right?

Nodding to himself, the Dark Lord turned and decided to put his rugged good looks to the test.

--**Random Muggle Club**--

He couldn't BELIEVE the nerve of those blasted bouncers! Voldemort snarled. Who did those pathetic little muggles think they were— trying to convince HIM of all people that perhaps he would feel more at home in a SENIORS home. It wasn't like he was as old as Albus Dumbledore or anything! He noted to himself that he would put those two maggots on his list of people he would feed to Nagini, she often complained that after digesting some wizards, they would try casting spells whilst in her digestive system. But he supposed that eating them alive would often do that… Anyways, this way he could kill two birds with one stone… The bloody bouncers would be dead, and he'd be able to stop running to the store to pick up some more Pepto-Bismol for Nagini at random times at night.

Voldemort was forced out of his mental plotting by the appearance of some blonde dunderhead.

"Well! Howdy there, mister!" The blonde shouted in a noticeably Texan accent.

Voldemort stared at the woman for a moment.

"I'm Dolly from Texas, and I was just wonderin' if you were lost or somethin'!" The newly introduced Dolly asked and then parroted: "Are ya lost or somethin'?"

"No," Voldemort replied. "I'm here to see if I've still… got 'it'…"

Dolly stared at him for a moment. "Well then, why don't ya try some break dancin'!"

"Break dancing…?"

"Yea! Come on, I'll show ya!"

So Voldemort tried to break out his moves on the crowded dance floor. Although it looked to the rest of the room that he was seizing to the rap music that was being blasted loudly, Voldemort figured he would _at least_, get a couple of babes from this embarrassing moment.

"Um, excuse me… sir?" One woman said coming up to him a few moments after he began his 'jig'.

"Yes?" Voldemort inquired in his best 'sexy' voice, thinking that he had turned her on.

"My names Donna and I'm a nurse at the Moorsfields Eye Hospital… I've already contacted the hospital and an ambulance is on its way!"

"What the devil are you talking about, muggle!" Voldemort spat.

Donna looked at him patiently, thinking that he was not only prone to seizures but disillusions as well. After all, she had seen him yelling loudly at the guards about _"What he'd do to them if they didn't let him into this dirtly little muggle infested club!". _

"Sir, you may be a little old for experiencing a midlife crisis but don't worry! We can sign you up for a support group after you get treated for your seizures." The woman explained to him. "You're no Brad Pitt any more, sweetie."

"Seizures? Brad Pitt?" Voldemort asked aghast.

"Brad Pitt's a famous movie star, sweetie… Quite good looking too!" Donna said with stars in her eyes. "But anyways, some of the clubbers were worried that you started seizing from all the bright lights on the dance floor!"

Growling, Voldemort reached for his wand, only for one of the bouncers to come up to him and forcibly remove it.

"Now sir, we don't want a man of your age to hurt yourself waving a stick around." The Bouncer explained.

By the time the ambulance arrived, it looked like the Dark Lord had contracted rabies from the wild look in his eyes and the fact that he had begun to foam at the mouth.

--**Days Later, The Riddle Mansion**--

The Death Eaters had begun to wonder what had happened to their lord, he couldn't have gotten Vanquished by another toddler already…

The minions were quickly taken out of their reverie when an angry Dark Lord stormed through the doors in a… hospital gown and… the remnants of a straight jacket?

Pulling out his wand, Voldemort quickly screamed 'OBLIVIATE'! He then went to his quarters to retrieve his normal evil looking robes.

Shortly after he returned to his throne and quickly summoned Lucius Malfoy and Severus Snape.

"Snape," the Dark Lord commanded once the greasy potions master entered the room. "I need you to make me a Polyjuice potion at once!"

Nodding, the Potions Master was quickly dismissed.

"Malfoy," Voldemort said turning to the bleach blonde figure kneeling before him, "I need you to get me the hairs of the muggle 'Brad Pitt'… And do not kill him… it would only ruin my plans".

Thoroughly confused, Malfoy bowed with a quickly muttered "Yes, my lord" and strutted out of the room.

--**Two Days Later, at the same muggle club**--

Busting out his infamous dance moves, the Dark Lord grinned at all the females trying their best to get with him… Perhaps he should have stolen the looks of famous muggles years ago…

The other clubbers wondered oddly why Brad Pitt had started to cackle manically.

With everyone busy trying to get the attention of the Dark-Lord-turned-movie-star, no one had time to notice as the two bouncers were devoured by an unnaturally large snake.

Voldemort grinned in satisfaction; he still had 'it'. And he'd kill anyone else who said otherwise.

**The End**


End file.
